As I sat down to write today, I contemplated whether or not to “explain” my recent absence. While it would seem reasonable to share and get you all up-to-date, there is also the part of me that is learning to NOT feel beholden to others. Now in my early 40’s, I have decided it’s high time to finally put to bed those unhealthy codependent traits of my earlier days. In the interest of being transparent, however, seeing as how that is the primary objective of my blog, I opted to share a smidge.
Honestly, I just needed a break.
One of my life’s goals is to write a book, and unfortunately for me and the whirlwind that swirls in the upper chambers of my brain, I now have several ideas for several completely independent books. Sigh. However, none of them can be effectively birthed out of chaos, which is where my heart has resided for at least the last 10 years or so. Not to be overly dramatic, but the core relationships in my life have been in literal turmoil and just as I would begin to feel as though I could breathe again and my anxiety attacks and headaches and nightmares were beginning to wane a bit, another wave of pain and betrayal would consume my spirit yet again.
It’s hard to hold a pen while clinging precariously to the side of a rock in the midst of a raging storm.
I am fully aware that this season would not have been successful nor would I have survived, had it not been for the faithful prayers and loving embrace of my friends and my God. And, I am grateful for the small voice in my heart reminding me that when we continue to serve and love on others, even when it’s hard, somehow it’s the very lifeline that keeps us swimming.
So (insert deep, cleansing breath), I began working through a coaching program for ME, and began spending more time in the bible and in prayer for ME, and made some very significant changes that not only enhanced the life of my children, but subsequently created more margin for ME.
What does ME stand for? Mental Equity. (Yes, I just made that up). It is high time that I begin to practice what I preach and remember that if I hang by a thread for too long, not only will I eventually fall, but then so will those who depend on me to keep them up. If I am not mentally healthy and whole, everything else begins to waste away…
And so, in conclusion (of which I am sure you are grateful!), I am starting to feel the benefits of my new boundaries and parameters, and while there are still significant waves crashing against my shore, my rock is bigger and instead of clinging desperately to the side, I have now positioned myself in the large cleft nearer the top. My faith is strong, my heart is healing, and the view is significantly clearer.
Hold on, climb up, seek God’s face, grab a pen, and laugh at the storm. Shalom.