all you’ve got.

I was working on some things for school, listening to Pandora when this song came on that my dad used to absolutely love. As soon as I heard the first note, I could feel the tears welling up in my throat. I remember, just for a moment, when I was innocent.

Naive.

I remember how I thought things were. He used to share his sadness. Details and emotions a little girl should have never been made privy to. ┬áIt damaged my perspective and relationship with my mom. My siblings. Men. It tainted my world view and devastated me when I began, in my late 20’s, to gain a truer understanding of the realities of my family. Life.

My own family.

It’s devasting to see someone in so much pain, who doesn’t understand how much of their situation comes from their own life choices. Their own crazy filters and unhealthy value system. It hurts my head, even now, knowing that I will most likely not see my dad again this side of heaven.

The day I realized how unsafe he was for me and my family was… Well. I don’t know if I have the words. But the ripples lap at my heels and stir up regret and shame still completely unshakable.

The older I get, the more clear things become. I know for some it becomes more cloudy, so I am grateful. Watching people come and go… suffer… cause suffering… hold on to pride and anger and hate and self indulgence and messy things because it’s all they know is devastating to me. If only we could each learn the lessons of the wise in our earlier years instead of a fleeting revelation as we slip into the twilight years of our lives, so very often alone and full of regret.

I wonder what I can let go of today. What can you release? Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. But so is repentance and fresh revelation. Regardless of what others may have done, or seemingly done, to you, are there things you could own and give grace to today that just might set another (or yourself!) free?? Grace others the way you want to be graced.

We only get one shot at this life. Tomorrow is not promised. Live it with all you’ve got.

 

 

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got water? just checking in

It’s been a while since I’ve written. One of my longer dry spells. Aside from a shifting in capacity with time management as we are back to school/work, my heart has been quite complacent. In spite of doing all the things…choosing faith and continuing to pursue the beautiful things of life and faith…it’s been a challenge to communicate to my heart in a way that would convince it to fully engage.

A few weeks ago, I went to my counselor. It had been nearly a year since our last visit and within the first 10 minutes of our time, the release I needed came with permission and confirmation to be okay with exactly where I was. Fearing I was spiraling backwards, he reassured me that where I am in this season is not only normal, but it’s a healthy stage in my healing process.

In the life stage process.

I think the most precious thing I have discovered, to date, about the mid-40’s, is this tantalizing understanding that who I am is enough. In my broken, I am enough. In my quirkiness. In my differences. In my similarities.

God has so refined and molded me through life circumstances, both supportive and damaging relationships, and in spite of my diverse filters, and in deep spaces that are hard to convey, I know He is working to heal, restore, fill up and grow me in ways I never could have verbalized or even imagined.

He is so faithful!

I have missed you all. Missed this space and the creativity that sometimes flows like a river, oftentimes a trickle, but always in perfect timing. I pray many blessings over you in this coming week. Do some work. Rest more. And let life flow…

Shalom.

 

got water? just checking in…

It’s been a while since I’ve written. One of my longer dry spells. Aside from a shifting in capacity with time management as we are back to school/work, my heart has been quite complacent. In spite of doing all the things…choosing faith and continuing to pursue the beautiful things of life and faith…it’s been a challenge to communicate to my heart in a way that would convince it to fully engage.

A few weeks ago, I went to my counselor. It had been nearly a year since our last visit and within the first 10 minutes of our time, the release I needed came with permission and confirmation to be okay with exactly where I was. Fearing I was spiraling backwards, he reassured me that where I am in this season is not only normal, but it’s a healthy stage in my healing process.

In the life stage process.

I think the most precious thing I have discovered, to date, about the mid-40’s, is this tantalizing understanding that who I am is enough. In my broken, I am enough. In my quirkiness. In my differences. In my similarities.

God has so refined and molded me through life circumstances, both supportive and damaging relationships, and in spite of my diverse filters, and in deep spaces that are hard to convey, I know He is working to heal, restore, fill up and grow me in ways I never could have verbalized or even imagined.

He is so faithful!

I have missed you all. Missed this space and the creativity that sometimes flows like a river, oftentimes a trickle, but always in perfect timing. I pray many blessings over you in this coming week. Do some work. Rest more. And let life flow…

Shalom.