She really is beautiful. Sometimes I look her up to see if she’s still on Facebook. I wonder what she is doing, if she is well, what her life looks like now. I remember the day she said she just couldn’t bear to talk to me anymore. And, the surprise of the emotional response I had. Life is a funny thing.
So many years ago, her appearance in my world sent me down a trail of despair. I remember packing up my things, falling into a heap, and friends gently helping me stand and continue stuffing memories and every piece of life as I knew it, into small boxes.
I can still feel the weight of her voice the day she called to apologize. It was years after the fact. At that point I was remarried and far removed from that old life. That season of loss. I was standing in our sitting room in Snohomish when I answered the call. It was New Year’s Day, and she wanted to start the year off right. It was shocking how well we got along; how much we had in common. She became so human to me that day, and I felt a connection not easily defined.
There were several conversations before she said goodbye. The healing season was over, I knew, and I had to let go of things that I wasn’t quite certain I was ready to. Forgiveness can sometimes take time to fill the chasm that pain and anger create, and the emptiness can be a bit unsettling until the process is complete.
While it’s true that I would not be with the love of my youth, nor would I have all of the precious children I do now, there are thoughts that sometimes wander to another place. The “what if” factor is always there. If nothing else, I wonder who I would be without so many scars. Sometimes it feels as though the loss of my innocence is such a tragedy, and yet at other times I am not certain I could effectively be the person I am called to be without the strength that has risen up inside me.
God promises to bring ALL things to good for those who love Him.
I remember every prayer I said for her. For him. For us… Every tear. God remembers them, too. My deepest gratitude is knowing that He knew, and that He walked with me through every long day. And, that the forgiveness that I fought so very hard to walk in, has produced such a sentimental feeling when I see her face.
Wherever you are, my friend, I pray that you have forgiven yourself. I so very much hope you have found the love you long for. But most of all, it is my sincerest desire that you walk in the fullness of God’s grace, love, mercy and in your calling. You truly are beautiful.