I was working on some things for school, listening to Pandora when this song came on that my dad used to absolutely love. As soon as I heard the first note, I could feel the tears welling up in my throat. I remember, just for a moment, when I was innocent.
I remember how I thought things were. He used to share his sadness. Details and emotions a little girl should have never been made privy to. It damaged my perspective and relationship with my mom. My siblings. Men. It tainted my world view and devastated me when I began, in my late 20’s, to gain a truer understanding of the realities of my family. Life.
My own family.
It’s devasting to see someone in so much pain, who doesn’t understand how much of their situation comes from their own life choices. Their own crazy filters and unhealthy value system. It hurts my head, even now, knowing that I will most likely not see my dad again this side of heaven.
The day I realized how unsafe he was for me and my family was… Well. I don’t know if I have the words. But the ripples lap at my heels and stir up regret and shame still completely unshakable.
The older I get, the more clear things become. I know for some it becomes more cloudy, so I am grateful. Watching people come and go… suffer… cause suffering… hold on to pride and anger and hate and self indulgence and messy things because it’s all they know is devastating to me. If only we could each learn the lessons of the wise in our earlier years instead of a fleeting revelation as we slip into the twilight years of our lives, so very often alone and full of regret.
I wonder what I can let go of today. What can you release? Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. But so is repentance and fresh revelation. Regardless of what others may have done, or seemingly done, to you, are there things you could own and give grace to today that just might set another (or yourself!) free?? Grace others the way you want to be graced.
We only get one shot at this life. Tomorrow is not promised. Live it with all you’ve got.