battling butterflies

When I was 11, turning 12, I began having significant dizzy spells. Lasting anywhere from an hour to nearly 2, I would lay on the couch (or wherever I landed) and be literally incapacitated until it was over. After countless tests – MRI, CT scan, EKG, assorted blood tests – it was determined they were my body’s response to stress.

And, it was left at that.

As an adult, seasons of stress or loss have been marked by dizzy spells, panic attacks, seasons of depression and suicidal thoughts, along with vomitous butterflies in my stomach. After a particularly long stretch of such shenanigans, I found a wonderful specialist and outstanding counselor/coach, and finally discovered the freedom of breathing freely once again. One thing has not yet completely been resolved, however.

I still get the worst butterflies when I am going to do something new.

Now, I don’t mean new in the sense that it is something I’ve never tried before, or even a coffee date at a new hot spot. No, it is whenever I am going to do something out of my usual kid-family-wifey routine.

Having friends over.

Leaving in the evening.

Meeting for coffee.

A doctor appointment.

Bible study.



Just thinking about my day or upcoming event can send my stomach into absolute knots.

This past week I asked a group of ladies for prayer for relief of some recurring dizziness and feelings of anxiety. One looked at me and said, “Wow! I would have never known!” I smiled, because I get it; I choose joy. Choose to make myself leave the house. Choose to not make it the central focus of my day, or my conversation, and certainly not my identity. But, it is a challenge, nonetheless.

An extremely unwelcome one at that.

The bible tells us that the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy, and while we often think of major events, we must not be lulled into the complacency which accompanies the ignorance that it is in the small defeats where the enemy works best. If we can be derailed from walking in the fulness of all God has designed for us, distracted by the pains of the day, he has won, and we remain stagnant and ineffective.

The people to whom God has called us to deserve more than our resignation to the half-witted attempts of the enemy of our souls to sideline us.

What is your battle today? What is within your power to address even now? Whether it is supplements, meds, professional health, or personal accountability, don’t YOU deserve the opportunity to walk in the plans set before you?? If nothing else, I personally, desperately need you to do what you are called to, because I can only do what I can do. We are a community of believers, and if we all do our part ….

Don’t give up, my friend. Send those butterflies away on the winds of change.




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