broken to life

It’s 2016. I should be excited. For more years than I can count, the new year has meant a chance to think upon the past 12 months and reflect, evaluate and decide what comes with me to the next season and what stays behind. There is usually a sense of excitement and always a plan as to what I will be adding to, and working on, in my life.

16 is also my favorite number, so certainly 2016 is bound to a great year!

If I were to be brutally honest, the sadness I am experiencing carries so much weight, and I find myself for the very first time, not making any big resolutions or lofty goals. I have planted and planted with great faith and expectation, watered with tears and sacrifice, and looking upon lists of unanswered prayers, have come to the end of my road. Every breakthrough moment, move of the Spirit, great revelation, has found me more often than not, caught back up in old habits, past failures, and disillusionment.

It is time to let God set my goals. Walk in the steps He orders. Step back, listen, and obey.

There is a certain look, a vibe if you will, to those who have done this faith thing just a little longer than others. I don’t mean that self-righteousness or perfectly refined appearance one may attribute to a person seasoned in Christian life, but rather a saltiness, a grace with an edge. People who have done the work, poured out their hearts, served selflessly, and selfishly, who know Jesus for real and can hear His voice, who know scripture and know we can all disagree on its exact interpretation. These are souls who know God says yes and no, and has no illusion that their prayers sway His decision, but have every knowledge that prayer still moves the heart of God. Those who have seen the darkness of church life, who have loved and lost, and still know there is nothing richer and more gut-wrechingly exquisite as a walk in the desert with our Christ.

This is who I long to be.

There is a time for everything under heaven, and I think it’s a season of change for me. Change at the root. The core. Stripping everything else away. Tearing up my garden and starting over. I have no idea what it will look like, but I think I might be ready for that. Or not. But regardless, I know that even when I don’t even know if I believe anything anymore, my God is bigger than my shortcomings and fear, and He is faithful to work when I sit down and cry. And wait.

Whoever you are wanting to be this year. Whatever goals you have planned, I pray you see great success. It’s my heart to see Him made so very big and glorious, regardless of what that looks like and when . May your when be now. Perhaps mine is coming as well…

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