I have a confession to make. It’s not every day that I walk out who I want to be. I can sometimes be a bit of a hypocrite. There are days I start out with great purpose to be intentional; choosing words and works of peace, hope, faith and love. Sometimes, life throws a few curve balls, or I let my guard down, and this icky feeling begins to grow in my spirit. Other days I simply wake up with that familiar heaviness in the pit of my gut.
It feels like fear. Its root is unforgiveness.
Sometimes we can make the decision to move past a situation, or to relieve a person of their “debt” to us. That doesn’t always mean, however, that there aren’t still feelings and questions and anger that may need to be worked through. And, in that process, we can sometimes find ourselves stuck in a vicious cycle; replaying scenarios and negative dialogue in our heads. Over, and over. And over. And…
This week I was given a prime opportunity to face yet another consequence of an offense committed against me. My reaction this time was to just go numb. Usually a bit more expressive, I was genuinely surprised at my response. It was mingled with faith, a bit of sadness, hope, and the resignation that accompanies the knowledge that it is what it is. Despite endless prayers and wishes, none of us can change the past.
I can tell I am growing. The more I do, the more I realize how much further I have to go. Like a fine wine or aged cheese, it takes time to achieve the richness, depth and flavor that God desires to bring out in us. Maturity doesn’t happen overnight. Or over time. But rather it slowly evolves as we take each new day and make it our own. Sometimes having great success, sometimes replaying old mistakes. But through it all, we find we are never alone. And our “intentions,” over time, do become a part of who we are.
Don’t give up. Keep moving forward. Take each step back as a sign you are still moving. Today could be your day to discover just one more precious lesson learned. Today, THAT is my confession.