I’ve been in a bit of a holding pattern lately. Not dwelling on the past more than passing thoughts, but not really moving forward. My worship is extending to genres I have never listened to before and extends beyond what I usually enjoy listening to in general. I am needing more of a marination. Moments of space, instruments, spontaneous worship. I used to consider myself to be creative but that feeling of expression has been long sleeping. Recently, someone spoke that again over me and I have found myself shifting.
Like a baby being birthed, the walls are tight, and in some ways I am waiting in the pressure and darkness, and yet it’s not terrifying, as I can see light at the end. My soul is longing for something deeper, more intimate than I have ever known. The need for space is strong, and I find myself allowing for more moments throughout the day when I just stop and see if the Lord will speak to my heart. When He doesn’t I move on, but pause again a short time later in the hope of hearing the tiniest of whispers.
My heart needs out. As often as I have cried out on behalf of others, it’s a season where I need to be my authentic self – no longer struggling to discern what I “should” do, or how I “need” to act. Criticism of how I have lived my life or walked out my faith once crippled me and I second-guessed every action, every thought…reevaluating and critiquing my motivation. Was my heart pure? Holding myself accountable for my part of things (and sometimes owning things that were never mine), and never holding to an expectation of boundaries to protect my heart.
That season is over, I believe. It had its place, but my need to be authentic and stand for what God has put on my heart now supersedes all that held me back. The only expectations that matter now are those the Lord puts before me. It’s a scary place for this recovering codependent to be. Scary, but powerful.
It’s times like this where I know where my faith lies. It’s in the testing. The defining. What do I really believe even when I can’t see? Am I willing to leave that which I have known for that which is yet a mystery? There is only one way to know what God has for me, and my only choice is to