good and raw

In my quiet time this morning, praying and reading tea…nursing a cold, I suddenly began to cry. I am still wiping away the tears even in this very moment. It seems appropriate to share my heart. I know someone reading this is going to understand what I am walking through and I want you to know you are not alone. And that God is bigger.

I am struggling with shame. Hurt. Disappointment. But mostly shame. I’ve been seeing it as something else and it hit me just now.

I have not put God first. I elevated my marriage, my kids, my friends and family above the position of God. Situations, loss, brokenness and difficult relationships have been my focus instead of fixing my eyes on  my Savior. I’ve neglected growing in the capacities He has given me. I take a few steps forward then allow life to derail me. Pain to unnerve me. And I stop. Everything stops.

He has given me everything I need to become the woman He has designed me to be, but I have walked in mediocrity.

Oh Lord, please forgive me.

Tears. Tears. Tears. I am overwhelmed. Like the wicked servant who buried his talent, I have allowed myself to only release what is in inside me in small fragments for fear of losing the things that I love. Allowed my own personal boundaries, values, expectations and giftings to be compromised.

This is a deeply personal moment for me, and I pray you would hear my heart in all of this. If it’s rambling, I apologize. Tears and snot are rarely ingredients to awe-inspiring lyrical motivation.

But what they are is real. They are real and they are raw. I needed that today. Oddly enough, I had NO idea whatsoever, but I did. God’s good like that. And I know He forgives me. But it’s time to change the course of my direction. Time to stand up. To fix my eyes on Him, to bind my heart and soul and will to those of the Lord. To step into my calling. Completely with all abandon and willingness to fall, knowing with absolute certainty I cannot fail unless I do not try.

Where are you headed today? Will you change your course with me? Will you lift your eyes long enough to catch a glimpse of His plan and passion for you? I implore you to not waste another moment in shame, but to take a step towards His love. Like Peter on the water, he only began to sink when his eyes left the face of Jesus….

Shalom.

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