So many times when I sit down to write, all that wants to come out is surge of emotions. A verbal waterfall of thoughts and repressed, sometimes barely recognizable feelings. One of my greatest gifts is compassion – one of my greatest weaknesses is compassion. I feel deeply, and when abandoned or betrayed, struggle more than I can verbalize. As time has passed, and God continues to work on my heart and mind, the sadness makes fewer and fewer appearances, but will still, in those quiet moments, settle over me like an irrepressible fog.
So I cry.
Only for a moment, though, when I remind myself that those whom I have lost wanted to be set free. If I truly love them in the way that I say I do, I must adhere to, and honor, their choice to position themselves either outside, or inside, my world. A relationship based solely on familiarity or obligation is no relationship at all. Truly, to lose one who doesn’t want to be found, is no loss at all.
Again, I cry.
Every season of life, until my 40’s, I have fought to maintain, to keep, hold on to, fight for, relationships, where really, the only one putting out any true effort was myself. And, I didn’t experience much loss at all. And, I lost everything. For you see, I kept others, and myself, in captivity. Tried to make happen, that which was never truly beneficial, to force into a mold into which it simply did not fit.
I miss some people tonight, I will be frank, but not in the way I have. I am realizing, albeit EXTREMELY slowly, that I am not good for some people. And, as much as it saddens my heart, there are some who just aren’t good for me. Fun maybe. Familiar. But not freeing, and in many ways, suffocating.
Who do you need to let go of? Do you have relationships that are more limiting than promoting? What a tragic waste of time and energy I have spent trying to manage that which only stunted my personal growth and deterred me from following the path I am called to. If you can’t walk the same road, it’s better to lovingly say goodbye than to wallow at the crossroads.
Tonight, there are no tears upon reflection. The writing feels good, especially when I know you all have been there as well. Life is a series of life lessons and opportunities for growth – thank you for growing with me.