leaving the body…

“Pain is just weakness leaving the body.”

As I have shared before, the past several years have been a series of challenging days, strung together into one of the longest and driest desert seasons I have ever experienced. The alternating pain and emptiness has at times become unbearable, and I found myself experiencing emotions and shifts in my belief system that before that time had never been part of my experience.

Unaware of how to pray.

Doubting my faith.

My worth.

Believing God only blessed others but not me.

Hatred.

Constant, nagging, anger.

Cynicism and negativity.

Oh, I tried to fight it. Faith my way out of it. Counseling. Medicine. Fasting. Choosing joy. For all that I tried to do “right,” the results lasted short spurts of time, only to raise their ugly head yet again.

Two Sundays ago, I was on call at church and so was sitting in the very back, up against the wall. There are only a handful of chairs back there, and usually they are empty with the exception of those who are also working that day and are in and out, or ushers in between duties. For whatever reason, after I sat down, I found myself flanked on both sides by dear ladies in the house. As the pastor began to talk about communion, I could feel the tears welling up inside my chest.

I tried to be quiet.

As if on cue, both women began to gently pray over me. I began to cry harder and before I knew what was happening, sobs wracked my body so aggressively I was certain the front row was privy to my breakdown. Pain from the very depths of my soul rose up and began to flow down my cheeks – wiped away forever.

I am not delusional enough to believe that in any way life will be different from that point on (I have had breakthroughs before and I am certain there will be occasion for such in the future), but I do believe it IS different now. Peace, release, complete forgiveness…they gently flowed into the recesses created with my release. My load is lighter.

Or, I am stronger.

I’m so glad I didn’t give up. And, glad that I did. We as humans are so very complicated – more so when we actively pursue doing life well, and with purpose. But, God is not complicated. He is who He is. His promises are true, His healing complete, and His timing, albeit not mine, is perfect.

Let Him be your strength today. And every day.

Shalom.

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