open and raw

I had a sudden memory today of a particularly life-altering and relationship-changing moment. Newly separated from my first husband, my kids and I had moved in temporarily with my mom and sister. I was broken, so much so that some days I had to make a conscious decision to breath. There were moments I didn’t know how I could possibly ever feel myself again, let alone be happy.

Just the week before I had, with the help of my pastor, his wife, dad, and a dear friend, packed up as much as I could take with me. It felt I was leaving behind every hope, dream, and value I had ever had. At one point, I literally fell to my knees and couldn’t move. Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever dreamed to have found myself in such a place of absolute desperation.

One afternoon someone brought over a movie – it was Hope Floats. I remember sitting there, hot tears pouring down my face, waves of pain flowing over me as I watched the scene when Sandra Bullock’s daughter chases her daddy and begs him to take her with him. Even now, it brings back such agony. Words can never express how it feels to watch your baby beg to have their family restored.

Not everyone understands where you’ve been, and sometimes in their attempt to bring restoration or “normalcy,” can actually pour salt on an already open and raw sore. Whatever season you are in, especially if it’s a vulnerable one, please be wise in who you allow in to your heart/world. Good intentions don’t always bring good results. It is only for a time, but it’s always so important to guard your heart. It’s the only one you have.

Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

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