raw dialogue

After working on a blog piece for two days, I lost it. I don’t really want to talk about it further. It makes me angry. I feel robbed.

So…this afternoon, a dear friend, a woman I call pastor, but more importantly friend, came to visit. To say that our conversation was a sincere and timely blessing to me is a gross understatement. It was absolutely life-giving.

Proverbs 11:25 reminds us that when we water (bless, minister to, love, serve, refresh) others, we ourselves will be watered. After losing my writings, spending time with someone who always brings great godly strength to my life, restored my spirit. Then, I had the opportunity to speak into someone else’s life this evening. Isn’t God good??

I thought I would share my part of the dialogue, for even as I typed words of encouragement to her, I realized it was really all the things I needed to hear myself. If you get lost, I apologize, for I don’t want to reveal anything personal about this other person, but I pray that you will see how amazing God is when He gives us opportunities to encourage one another….I’ve inserted a couple of notes and quotes, but these are all my words in response to someone in crisis. Copied and pasted; I just deleted her part of the conversation. (And a couple of things that the world need not be privy to).

I pray that someone out there needed this too…


Me: “I wonder how much of your health struggles are triggered by stress. ????
I know from first and second hand knowledge how damaging stress and various forms of PTSD can be to one’s health.
In a way. I have severe triggers that cause anxiety, panic attacks, stomach issues and I blew out my adrenals.
I don’t choose to call it PTSD but there are seemingly benign things that cause me to literally become ill, or freeze up emotionally and even physically.
Triggers send me to anxiety.
They are slowly improving and I am finding a greater level of personal responsibility for my thought life and the way I choose to process information.
I do a lot of self evaluation and am finding an increasingly greater dependency on prayer and worship in my daily life.
I have overcome the suicidal thoughts, and have a greater handle on the anxiety.”
(Yes, this is still me…)
“I also started with GABA for anxiety which helps prevent the slow build when life seasons get a little more challenging.”
  (Insert this person’s shock about what I have revealed).
???? Most people make different assumptions about me.
Most people don’t know how to deal with the heaviness of it.
Mostly because of fear or an inability to grasp their own junk.
Discipline is the key to a life of faith with true authenticity.”
(I need to remind myself of this!) 
Still me… “Yes. Sometimes I don’t appreciate all the work. ????
[Where you are…] “It’s not your fault, but, it’s solely up to you to keep moving towards health.
If the triggers are there, it gives you the opportunity to practice controlling the behaviors, to be able to better recognize the type of people who are not healthy for YOU, and to know where your personal strength, boundaries and faith lie.
There is information people bring you, and truth God reveals. Weigh everything against the Word, His truth and His Spirit.
Words that don’t motivate change, and create more fear, are not of Him.
There is a distinct difference being feeling condemned vs convicted.
Conviction inspires and causes us to dig deep. Condemnation paralyzes.
2 Tim 1:7 For God has NOT given you a spirit of fear, but of POWER, LOVE and a SOUND MIND.
 I am not joking when I say I can apply it to literally every aspect of my life.
We function from either fear or faith. In all things.
Oh that’s good!
It’s true.
I am praying!
Please be encouraged I have found a few lumps here and again and it’s always been benign.
Try not to allow any fear or trepidation until you know that’s what you are dealing with!
I know it’s hard. But one day at a time.
I know it’s hard, but to worry won’t help.
A few years ago I had a unusual pap which led to another procedure. My doctor sat me down and told me she was nearly certain it was cervical cancer so we talked protocol.
When the tests came back, she was wrong.
My point is, I was like ok, it’s cancer. So what do we do?
I’ve also gone in for lumps, and for two lesions on my skin I was concerned about…
I just get checked once a year and trust that no matter what comes my way God will walk with me.
His job is to teach me to trust Him regardless of what this broken world throws at me.
He’s never left me yet.
None offense taken.
It’s just life.
Some of us are dealt more challenging cards, but I also believe that’s because the enemy knows we have a higher calling.
The challenge is to overcome.
Sometimes I find it easier to go back to small, insecure, mopey, victim Heather. It kept me out of trouble and out of the way of my dad’s wrath. Part of the time… But at the end, I can’t stay that way forever. I have seen too many people choose to not overcome. Choose to not pursue health and what God originally planned for them, and one day they will die never having found the heaven on earth Jesus talks about.
His presence and power in our daily lives, the opportunity to reveal His light, health, boundaries, beauty, power and grace through our cracks is the only reason I live.
Well, honestly, it’s all I have left. Him.
As contrite and cliche as it sounds.
Still lonely sometimes, ????
But you are absolutely right
No many people get that, do they?
It is, isn’t it??
God gets us.
He gets you. And me. And it’s ok because He works ALL things to good for those who love Him!
Don’t jump ahead. Start where you are. Live in the moment. Let God do what He wants with every day. Tomorrow is not promised, so just step where He wants you in this moment. Tomorrow will come soon enough.”
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