“So, as we go through this process, will any repressed memories come back?”

I was really hoping the answer would be no.

I remember the first day I realized something traumatic had happened. We were working with a family whose daughter had been sexually abused and the warning signs she exhibited I had also displayed as a young girl. Sitting in an empty classroom, I wept as I shared with a trusted coworker and friend all of my deepest fears. It was the start of a long journey of counseling and prayer, which ultimately led me to no more answers other than I simply needed healing, and if God wanted me to know, He would reveal it to me.

As an adult I have struggled greatly with the record player stuck on repeat – replaying conversations. Reliving situations. Fighting to forgive that face in my head and the voice in my heart, just one more time. Crying out for God to heal me, to clear my mind and once and for all align my decision to forgive and move forward, with my overwhelming emotions.

No, He is not going to let me remember because He knows I will only be burdened more.

My daughter had a cut on her hand once. I asked her where it came from and she honestly couldn’t remember. She had been picking at it and it wasn’t looking good, so I treated it. Every day when I went to put more oil and a new bandage on it, we could see the subtle changes.

It didn’t matter where the injury came from – all that mattered was healing it now.

The girl who needed answers in her 20’s now just needs to be whole in her 40’s. Day by day, decision upon decision, moment by moment, the Lord’s soothing Spirit soothes me. Heals me. Restores me. Some days it would seem an infection erupts, and it’s frustrating. But, it’s usually because I have been picking at it. Again.

God’s Word is a soothing oil to my soul. His Holy Spirit is a bandage over my heart while it heals. And it’s Jesus who lovingly and patiently cares for my wounds every time I go to Him and reveal my hurts.

All I need to know now, is now. Yesterday is gone. Healing is coming. That’s all I need to know.

To just be whole. Today.



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