He had become so small. Oh, I knew He was there, but my world had shrunk so infinitely, my heart so heavy, that my eyes could barely see even that which was right in front of me. It had become a decision to get up in the morning, a negotiation whether or not we were driving fast enough down the road for an open door to end it all, and the love I had for those around me could no longer fill the chasm that grew daily in my heart. I knew I was disappointing those around me, knew they counted on me, even needed me, but nothing could erase the mountain of pain in front of me.
Not even Him.
From the bottom of the pit, I could hear His voice, sense His Spirit. Worship kept me breathing and gave me just enough strength to take another step for the day. Living moment to moment, I became acutely aware of that still small voice, and I would often reach out, take a hold at the end of His rope, and just cry. It was but a mere thread, but it was there.
Every once in a while, the sun would filter down, or I would move a little higher in the pit and I could see hope, and I welcomed the breakthrough. Inevitably, the bottom would fall out again, and it became a very concerted choice to stand up again and reach out to that lifeline again. Even the smallest of waves began to become too heavy to bear, and I began to doubt everything – my identity, my value, my calling…
I don’t know why, but one of the most horrible disagreements I have ever had, shifted something in my spirit. It was the most victim-like position I had ever been in, but in the morning, with the rising of the sun, my countenance was changed. It was the most calm and resolute feeling I think I’ve experienced to date. That resolution has not faltered since.
It’s only Him.
This morning, I was sitting down to enjoy my first day of bible study/quiet time all week, when I suddenly went to my knees. My gratitude is so very great for all my God has done, for where He has brought me out of, for holding me when I could barely hold on for myself. Even when I doubted, feared, and tried to shut myself off completely, He sat gently beside me and just let me be where I was. No judgement or condemnation; only peace, grace and unending love.
Today, I am asking Him to get big again. Big like the sky. To show me who He really is. Like when I was young and believed He could, and WOULD, do all things for me. Sometimes in the lack, we can lose sight of the big picture. I think that’s normal and actually probably pretty okay. Such humanity, only allows us to see more clearly, His deity.
Life and people and situations come and go, but the infinite love of God will always remain. Today, I choose to open up my heart and make a decision to remain in Him. Even if only at the end…